Calling Bullshit on....................Dice-K

For those of you who wouldn’t consider yourselves to be card sharks, here is a little run down of the game "Bullshit" (highly recommended by the way, if you haven’t ever tried it before). An entire deck of cards is dealt out between the players of the game. Starting with the first person to have the 2 of clubs, each players lays down a set of cards, face down, in order in the middle of the table. In other words, if player one lays down two cards and says they are "two 2's" the next person must lay down cards higher than those twos (so three 3's or two 4's). Again, remember, all cards all lain face down.

So now, after a person has claimed to lay down their "two 2's" someone at the table can choose to let the game continue or scream out "bullshit." If a person screams out bullshit, the cards are flipped over to see if the person was lying about their two 2's or not. If they were, the cheater picks up the entire stack of cards that has been laid down to that point. If they weren’t, the person who accused them must pick up all the cards.

In other words, it is about catching people in a bullshit lie. (For a much better description of the game check out Wikipedia here)

So today, in our never ending game with the sport’s world, I am officially calling "bullshit" on Dice-K.

We have heard so much about this guy, so many people have crowned him the next great thing, so many people have anointed him the greatest pitcher of all time, I was expecting him to walk across Boston Harbor before the game and turn pints into quarts of beer. Could it simply have been a bad outing? Sure, but A LOT of cards were lain down by the Red Sox PR Machine over the last several months (The Boston Globe, The Boston Herald, the radio stations and The Sports Guy on ESPN.com) and, in his first big test of the season, it was interesting to see what they looked like when they were finally turned over.

Card 1: He has 12 pitches - Calling Bullshit

The gyroball is like Bigfoot. It doesn’t exist, but some people are so wrapped up in it they will never let the fantasy go. By all accounts the gyroball is a slider that doesn’t slide. It is actually an "aww fuck" pitch for most other pitchers, but he throws it on purpose. Besides that he has a very good change-up and a decent breaking ball that has a sharp curve action. Add that to his fastball and Dice-K has about as many pitches as Gil Meche on a good day. You only really need three pitches, three GOOD pitches in the majors to be successful, so the fact that the little samurai is 7 pitches short of a dozen isn’t an indictment on his overall ability. It is, however, an indictment on the worst crop of sports journalists in America, the Boston Red Sox beat writers, who take whatever shit Theo Epstein is dishing out that day and smear it all over their back pages.

Card 2: He is another Pedro - Calling MAJOR Bullshit

There was no more unlikable pitcher than Pedro when he was with the Red Sox. First, he was with the Red Sox, which automatically ratchets up anyone’s asshole level by at least a 5. Second, he was a skinny little punk who consistently threw at people, knowing full well he would never have to defend himself up at the plate. In fact, one of the few times his antics caused a major stir, the 2003 playoff series against the Yankees, Pedro decided to take on 80-year old Don Zimmer. Big man Pedro, big man.

But Pedro, through all of his punk ass antics, was pound for pound the best pitcher I have ever seen. Dominant doesn’t even begin to describe him. He was a perfect game waiting to happen every time he stepped out there. As great as Johan Santana is for the Twins right now (and he is amazing) it actually doesn’t compare to how good Pedro was in his prime. No one, not Clemens, not Johnson, not Maddux, not anyone ever came close to the type of dominance Pedro displayed. Even as a Yankee fan, you had to marvel at him.

Dice-K has been billed as the next Pedro. That’s sort of like billing Jessica Simpson the next Meryl Streep. It is just another invention of the Red Sox PR machine (the media). Let’s look at it this way; Pedro threw 5 devastating pitches, all for strikes. He was a bull dog. He never, ever backed down. A bad outing for Pedro was 7 innings and 3 runs. You had to get to him, usually, with lucky home runs because the few times he got into trouble he always got meaner and nastier. And he threw 98 MPH, with a two seamer and a four seamer. Like I said, he was dominant.

Dice-K? Well, the comparison’s between the two begin and end with the fact that both can throw a variety of pitches for strikes. Besides that, there is NOTHING similar. Pedro was a bull dog. Dice-K has already shown a penchant for giving up the big hit in the big moment, whether that be in a 3-1 game or a 7-6 game. In a time when Dice, having never pitched in the majors before, should be dominating because he is so new to the hitters he is facing, he hasn't really wowed anyone. Against the Yankee lineup he was putrid, giving up big hit after big hit and giving the Yankee’s life in a game they blew in the seventh. Unlike Pedro he is significantly worse with runners on base, he doesn’t throw nearly as hard, which means he doesn’t have the gas to just blow people away when his off speed stuff isn’t working, and he his ceiling is as high as it is gonna get.

Pedro was an all time great. Dice-K seems like just a solid pitcher.

Card 3: Dice-K has the perfect mentality for Boston - Calling bullshit (but not that confident he can’t flip this card in my face)

It has been three games, one of which was against the Royals, that Dice-K has pitched so this is really just, again, the Beantown media playing up the great Matsusaka for the world. Truth is, we have no idea how he is gonna pitch in big spots, in big moments this year. All we do know is this; on the road against Toronto, in a great pitchers duel, Dice-K gave the game away after not getting a called third strike on Vernon Wells. He gave up two runs, late in the game, and while he struck out 10, he lost. Against the Yankees at home Matsusaka was horrible, getting hit hard by all the big batters in the Bomber’s lineup and he was lifted in the eighth with no outs because it appeared he was about to let the yanks get right back in the game.

What does that tell us?

Not much. Actually, nothing. The only thing it does tell us is that, so far, Matsusaka hasn’t shown some other worldly ability to block out what is happening around him and bare down. He hasn’t had a lot of "gut check" moments just yet but the only two times he has been put in tough spots, he hasn’t come through. And the fact that he completely changes when men are on base, seemingly more uncomfortable, isn’t a great indicator of his talent to overcome.

Card 4: Dice-K is worth the money the Red Sox spent - I’m gonna let this card go by, for now.

Do I think Matsusaka is a $100 million? Umm.....wouldn’t be writing this piece of shit column if I did. But there are a lot of other factors to signing a guy like Dice-K. First, Japan is baseball crazy, and signing Dice-K is like the Mariners signing Ichiro or the Yanks signing Matsui. Years after both of those players were signed in the majors Japan still tunes in to see every one of their games. Hoards of Japanese media still follow both teams around like puppies. They are as big now as they ever were. So signing the biggest pitcher to ever come out of the orient isn’t just about wins and loses, it’s about the money the Red Sox will bring in now that they are entrenched in the Japanese market.

Secondly, the Red Sox are about as revenue rich a team as you can find in sports. Sure, lil’ Theo and his moron cronies always seem to want to blame their failure on their imaginary inability to compete with the Yanks payroll, but we all know that’s a load of, well, BULLSHIT!!!! So the truth is, as irresponsible as the Matsusaka signing may have been, considering the fact that I don’t believe he is gonna be one of the top three or four pitchers in the league, the Sox can afford it. It is money they have available.

See, the majority of people who complain about money in baseball do so out of some strange jealousy that an athlete is getting paid a kinds ransom for going to play a game that most of us take time away from our schedules to try and play. The reality is, players making money means nothing to a team unless that team puts itself in a position where one contract can hamstring the entire franchise. Take, for instance, Barry Zito and the Giants. The fact that Zito is being paid far more than he is worth means nothing. God bless the guy for turning a very nice career into one of the most lucrative pay days in the history of sports. You’re worth what someone will pay you, that’s it. But the Giants are not a revenue rich team, meaning that the millions they are paying Zito may come at the expense of the millions they could pay perhaps two or three other players. If the Giants are able to still sign free agents they target or trade for big players they may need than the money they paid means nothing. If, however, the trade deadline comes around and the Giants find themselves in desperate need of another big bat, or the off season comes around and the Giants need another major player to compliment their team, and they can’t do it because so much of their money is now tied to Zito, well then the signing was imbecilic. Only time will tell.

But we already know that won’t be the case with the Red Sox. They need Clemens, they will pay him. Outfield isn’t producing and a big bat becomes available, they will shell out the cash. The Matsusaka deal didn’t change the way the Red Sox have done, and will do business, so the signing was worth it for the team.

In the end, what I think is this: Dice-K is gonna be a good pitcher. He is a number 2 in this league, which aint too shabby. He is, specially his first time through the league, gonna have impressive strike out totals. He is going to have some big games. But, overall, when you look up, Dice-K is going to be a guy who will probably win 14 or 15 games a year, have an ERA of 3.2 on the low side and 4.2 on the high side, with most years falling somewhere in the middle, and his ability to come through in the big game will be tested time and time again.

A far cry from the "bullshit" hype we have been fed about this guy now for three months, but a productive pitcher none the less.

But don’t worry, just like the ESPN crew from Sunday night, who made it seem like Dice-K dominated the Yankees with a 6 run, 7 inning performance, the Boston PR machine will do their best to convince everyone that Matsusaka is BETTER than his stats, your eyes, or his win total indicates. We are about to see the GREATEST SINGLE mediocre year from a pitcher ever witnessed. Get ready, the Sport’s Guy and the rest of the Red Suck Nation will accept nothing less.

Don't worry Yankee fans, Dr. Phil is here to help!

I am expecting the Yankees will stumble into Tampa Bay tomorrow night (4/23) having been swept by the Red Sox and reeling after a very tough weekend. I don’t see much of a way around that.

They had their chance, they had their game in hand on Friday night, a game they win 9 out of 10 times, and a series of bad moves by Joe Torre and bad pitches by Mariano Rivera (with some horrid pitching by Luis Vizcaino thrown in for good measure) helped give it away. On Saturday the offense scored 5 runs off of previously untouchable Josh Beckett but watched as fresh-off-the-DL Jeff Karstens gave up 7. For those of you keeping score at home, that equals a loss.
Tonight, they have a kid, Chase Wright, a good looking young lefty who, prior to his start against the Indians earlier this week, had made two starts above the A Ball level in his life. Could Wright, who seems to have a little Al Leiter in him, go out there and pitch a beauty? Sure, but it is highly unlikely, and he will have to out pitch Dice-K, who will have a decided advantage over EVERY team he faces first time out because of the league’s lack of experience against him.

I am saying tonight is a 6-3 loss.

That means three straight loses to the Yanks arch rival. That means panic. Get the giant tarps ready in NY, NJ, and CT tonight because a lot of people are going to be jumping off the highest building they can find.

But, trying to (literally) kill some time recently, I finished reading Dr. Phil’s Guide to getting over being swept by the Red Sox in April first edition and I am here to tell you that everything will be okay. You don’t have to believe me, I understand that. I am a shitty little blogger. But if you’re not going to believe me, you HAVE to believe Dr. Phil. It is a part of the contract we all sign to live in this country; we pay taxes, we know the words to God Bless America, we believe Oprah is, in fact, the second coming of Christ, and we do whatever Dr. Phil tells us to do. If you don’t like it make sure to read the fine print next time before picking a country.

So, let Dr. Phil help you through this time with some important tips.

(All Chapter Titles courtesy of Random Dr. Phil Quote’s Generator)

Chapter 2: You don’t need zilch to blame it on anybody but yourself

Mostly, this chapter dealt with Dr. Phil blaming his son, Oprah, global warming, bad Chinese food and nuclear technology on his failing television show, which seemed destined for cancellation once they decided to name the show Dr. Phil Live. That is sort of like naming your show Michael Jackson’s Children Hour and wondering why no one tuned in.

But he also dealt with the fact that the Yankees SHOULD have won the first game of the three game set. As stated before, the Yanks will take that scenario/situation any day of the week (and probably come out ahead). On this night, they gave one away, just like they stole one the day before from the Indians. Baseball has a funny way of doing that. You have an amazing comeback win, you are almost guaranteed to have a monumental collapse somewhere along the way. It is almost like baseball is the tax man. He adds up what you have made over the course of the year and then decided how much you owe the "man" in the end.

So the loss, while gut wrenching, shouldn’t take away from the fact that Andy Pettite looked great again, the bullpen (minus Luis Vizcaino) continued to impress, and the Yanks smacked one of the Red Sox’s big three (Curt Schilling) around like he was some sort of pathetic blogger living in his parents basement (oh wait, he is).

Chapter 12: You don’t need Catch Scratch Fever to punch a dogie.

This chapter seemed to contain a lot of pent up frustration over some dog Dr. Phil used to own who would pee on his carpet. So, after six intensive therapy sessions (all filmed for Dr. Phil’s webcast, which is shown Sunday nights at 11:30) with little progress, Dr. Phil punched the dog repeatedly in the head. Unfortunately, he later learned that his son and wife would take turns peeing on the carpet, just to watch that fat bastard have to get on his hands and knees and clean up urine. I think we can all agree they were doing the right thing.

He did, however, point out that the Yanks entered this week against Cleveland and Boston, two of the better teams in the league, with only ONE trusted starter (Pettite) going, and the Yanks lost that game. If they lose tonight, they will still have gone 3-3 with guys sustaining more injuries than Alec Baldwin’s daughter after not returning a phone call. If they were ever to win tonight, they would have gone 4-2 over that stretch with virtually the entire team spending time on the DL. Instead of a horrible, shocking, devastating lost weekend, this series, and the one before it, showed the Yanks have the guns to stay afloat, even when they are barely at half strength.

Chapter 28: You don’t need a sack of hammer to head butt a priest.

The subject matter of this chapter was pretty self explanatory. It was really more of a how-to guide than anything else. Surprisingly, while Dr. Phil makes a pretty compelling argument that you do not, indeed, need a sack of hammers to head butt a priest, he does seem to be fixated on the idea that a sack of rabid raccoons would be helpful. He also offers some helpful hints on where to find the raccoons and, if they are not rabid, how to piss them off enough to where they act like they are rabid (my suggestion would be to bring a recording of Dr. Phil’s voice with you, it seems to make most things want to kill).

But, towards the end, Dr. Phil does mention that the Yanks had no problem handling not only Schilling, but Beckett, whom they scored five runs against. They did that without Johnny Damon or Hideki Matsui. They did that without Jorge Posada. Beckett had been almost untouchable before Saturday, dominating teams and looking like the type of pitcher who could be in the Cy Young discussion in the near future. Beckett is someone the Yanks will see again, as is Schilling, but what are the chances the Red Sox are gonna see Jeff Karstens again? And if they do, chances are it won’t be right after a stint on the DL where he was rushed back to fill a needed role in the rotation.

I’m not saying the Red Sox beat the Yanks B-team by two on Saturday, but they did only beat the Yankee B-team by two on Saturday.

Chapter 68: You don’t need orange sherbert to fondle a donkey.

I have to admit, I was a little apprehensive about this chapter when I first read the title, but Dr. Phil always comes through in the clutch. The title is a little misleading. When Dr. Phil says orange sherbert he really means milk based sweets in general, and when he says donkey he really means any mild tempered farm animal, and when he says fondle he means, well, exactly that. Again, it might not make sense at first, but eventually it all begins to make sense (at least for people who live in Arkansas).

Now, I’ll grant you, Dr. Phil’s transition from talking about fondling farm animals with ice cream to talking about how early it is in the baseball season is not, exactly, well done, but he does make a very good point.

Look, baseball has just gotten started. The idea that ANY sweep, any lost series, is gonna kill a season or even kill a week of baseball is just absurd. I know, the Yanks and Sox is always a different story. This is THE rivalry. These games are usually played at a higher level. But baseball is a marathon (have you ever heard that before? Me neither, but Dr. Phil calls it a marathon constantly throughout the book. He strangely also refers to the donkey and sherbert episode as a marathon as well). You don’t award any trophies after the first mile of a 20 mile race. You don’t even mention the name of the leaders at that point.

Look at baseball right now. Baltimore is 11-7 and in second place in the AL East. Tim Wakefield leads the American League in ERA. Jimmy Rollins leads the National League in home runs. Jose Valverde of the Diamondbacks is leading the league in saves. Do you think ANY of those things will be the same in, say, a month? So why would the standings?

Every year baseball proves itself to be completely unpredictable. Minnesota was out of it after one month of the season last year and rattled off one of the great streaks of all time to not only get right back in the race but eventually overtake both the White Sox and Tigers to win the division. Philadelphia (starting out as great as ever again this year) was so bad GM Pat Gilick decided to get rid of Bobby Abreu and Cory Lidle, tried to trade Pat Burrel, and had essentially given up on the season. The Phillies found themselves in the playoff hunt up until the final week of the season in 2006.

In other words; IT IS ONLY APRIL 22ND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Yankees and the Red Sox have 16 more games against one another after tonight. They have more than 5 months of baseball still to play. They have a trading deadline to deal with. They have young talent in the minors that might play itself. They have injuries they may have to contend with. There is so much left to this story, even remotely getting excited about one series in Boston is beyond stupid.

That being said, if the Yanks don’t win tonight, if Chase Wright doesn’t pitch a gem and the Yanks don’t clobber Matsuzaka, I will never watch baseball again. Yankees Stadium should be burned to the ground, Derek Jeter traded to the Brewers for two player to be named later’s, Alex Rodriguez tarred and feathered on Broadway for ONLY hitting .400 in the series (that means he made an out 6 out of every 10 times up? Pathetic), and Brian Cashman should be deported. I’m just saying..............

Can anyone do a worse job than...............Michael Kay?

Michael Kay was pretty good as a color analyst for the New York Yankees on WABC radio when he was partnered with John Sterling way back when. The two made up a perfect combo of style and substance, with Kay providing (usually) unfettered analysis and never stepping on the toes of the over-the-top, bombastic, theatrical Sterling.

They were actually a pleasure to listen to and seemed to work well together. There was analysis of the game and witty banter that only comes when two people obviously like each other. That comraderie came from one simple place; Key knew his role. Sterling was the star, Kay was the second fiddle, and he seemed okay with that.

Then Kay moved to the booth, the television booth, as the on air voice of the Yankees when the YES Network started up in 2001. That was the last time Michael Kay was even remotely interesting. The TV cast has been unwatchable ever since.

There is nothing Kay does well in the booth. His voice sounds like a badly beaten Muppet character trying desperately to get himself out of a ditch (in other words, not pleasant to the ear). Instead of relying on his knowledgeable color analysts, men who have, between them, seen every possible scenario in baseball play out before their very eyes, to give you inside information on what a player might be thinking, Kay always offers his ill informed opinion, a lot of times completely contradicted by his booth mate, and will enter into long winded arguments to try and prove his faulty theory. He rarely gives a "clean" call to a play, he misjudges fly balls at an unbelievable rate (last week, in ONE GAME against Cleveland, he described four separate fly balls as being hit DEEP to left field, using his "this has a chance to get out of here" voice, and not ONE of them got to the warning track. The drunk blind guy in the second row of the bleachers could do a better job than that), he has the most annoying home run call ever (his "SEE YA" shtick which only exists because he wanted to do something he thought would rival his old buddy Sterling's "It is high, it is far, it is GONE" call), and he never seems to be able to keep the game moving at a good clip.

He also writes a column for the YESNETWORK.com website a few times a month, a column that is suppose to answer questions about the team. Here is his last entry. I won't bore you with all the details but here is a quick sample (you can read the rest if you are trapped under a pile of rocks, with Internet access, and need a quick way to end your life):

Dear Michael,If A-Rod leaves after a monster season, how do you think Brian Cashman will go about replacing a power right-handed bat with 40-50 homers? Thanks, Eric Schienkopf — Arlington, Va.

Dear Eric, I truly don't know. There is no one person out there that can duplicate those numbers while playing third base.

Amazing insight here from a man who is suppose to have intimate knowledge of the team. I understand he works for YES but at what point does your ass get so sore from bending over you naturally put the pants back on and walk away? He can't even offer ONE possibility to our friend Eric? Why even answer this question? Just to say "ahhhhhhh, donknow"?

Dear Michael,What are the chances the Yankees will get Bernie Williams back this year? It just doesn't seem like the Yankees with him. Len — Berkeley Heights, N.J.

Dear Len,I don't think the chances are good. I wouldn't say there is no chance but I would say the odds are against it.

Two things on this one: first, Len from Jersey obviously meant to say that it doesn't seem like the Yankees "without" Bernie Williams, not with him. That would make very little sense. So Kay, who has a tendency for cutting callers off on his shit stain of a show for not pronouncing players' names correctly, let an obvious error like that pass. Len, sending out a quick email, can't be expected to spell check his two line question as accurately as one would like but can a former newspaper man maybe do it? Second thing is, again, the insight we get from the land of Kay here. He answered the question, right? So you would think he had a little something to say about the issue. Anyone can say "I don't think so" and offer little more than that. Did he think Len was waiting for his response on the ledge of a 30 story building somewhere, so he needed to send a quick response just keep his friend from jumping? Did he have to take time away from practicing his "See YA" catch phrase in the mirror to respond, so he only had so much energy to give to the answer? Again, why is the man doing a mailbag if he doesn't want to answer questions?

My friends and I always remark that, for an organization like the Yankees, who spend money like it's counterfeit, they employ some of the worst announcers in the game today. Bob Lorenz is serviceable but the man is perhaps the most unfunny human being on the face of the earth, yet he attempts humor constantly. It actually angers me when he tries to make a joke. It is like watching someone try karaoke time and time again, always acting as if they just belted out Piano Man, and never getting how bad they are. Suzyn Waldman, on the radio, is the worst color person (I honestly have no idea if she is a man or woman. she looks like a Lord of the Rings character) in the business and such a homer she actually makes me, a YANKEE FAN, hate the team sometimes. And David Justice? I'm sorry, but I can't listen to any man and take him seriously if I know, going in, that he was married to Halle Berry and he beat her and cheated on her like she was some Manhattan club girl. He's going to tell me what Derek Jeter should be doing at bat to at bat?

But Kay is the worst. He is there all the time. If you want to watch the game, you are getting Kay, and it is enough to make you want to stick an ice pick in your head.

So who would be better at the job than Kay? Here are some suggestions


*The exhumed corpse of Harry Carry - He would have more personality right off the bat. He would let the game breath, even if he couldn't. He could lead the crowd in a touching rendition of "Take me out to the cemetery" every seventh inning. And even with hollowed out holes for eyes, Carry would be able to judge fly balls better.

*Chris "Mad Dog" Russo - The infamous Yankee hater, he would be on a constant roller coaster, happy when the Yanks were losing, distraught when they are winning. The only thing better than listening to a Yankee win is listening to how Russo reacts to that win, like he did yesterday with the A-Rod home run. There could be contests held in the Stadium to see who got the chance to punch Russo in the face before the seventh inning of each game (actually, you could probably hold a similar contest for Kay), and he would be acutely aware of how bad he is and let the listeners know that as well. Did I mention he would be able to judge whether a weak pop up was going to be a home run or not?

*George Steinbrenner - He couldn't be any more of a homer, would probably give you more honest opinions, even in regards to the payroll, and could hire and fire people on the air as a sort of game. Plus, you KNOW Big Stein is just like his character in Seinfeld, and how fun would it be to hear a random rant about how good the calzone's are around the street in the middle of a blow out game? He could also have a "fifth inning verbal raping of Brian Cashman" routine during every home game and he could prank call Peter Angelos while on the air from time to time. And even though he may be getting to the point where he might not know what a ball is or why his pant leg is suddenly all wet, he would still know the difference between a lazy fly to right and a Mickey Mantle-esque homer.

*Don Imus - First, it would give us an opportunity to play the "who is alive and who is a corpse" picture game at the Stadium with Imus and Bob Shepard. Seriously, is there a scarier looking guy in the world than Imus? Would ANYTHING he said about your looks actually bother you? But he would be fun to listen to for a game or two. Third inning, he makes an insensitive comment about Derek Jeter's bi-racial parents, apologizes in the fourth inning, invites Al Sharpton in during the fifth inning so he can massage the Reverend's scrotum to make nice, and then, by the sixth inning, is questioning whether A-Rod is an illegal alien or not. It might last for only one game, but it would be infinitely more enjoyable than listening to Kay. And he could judge a fly ball better.

*Harold Reynolds - HR needs to get back into the game, and what better way than to take over the reigns as the Yankees' main man. Reynolds could direct the camera men on the field to find him "some hotties" to "hug" during the game, taking every opportunity to show them on TV with Reynolds giving a play by play of how he would like to get to know them. Every eighth inning Reynolds could run over to whoever was there covering the game for ESPN and flash them, just to feel normal again. And, even with his pants down, Reynolds would be able to judge a fly ball better than Kay

Give me the reigns, Stern, cause I can save your shitty league

I’m back on the NBA baby.................starting next year.

Sorry, I am gonna have to take these playoffs off for the time being. Maybe, when Lebron versus the Pistons rolls around or the Mavs and the Spurs get together for a classic game, I’ll tune in, but starting next year I am gonna be captivated from the start. You hear that Spike Lee, I catching your damn fever and I ain’t taking no airborne to get rid of it.

That is, of course, after I save the NBA from being the NBGAY. Right now, the league is about as interesting as watching Oprah get a rectal exam. There are four teams that can win the finals. FOUR. Think about that for one second. Think about how crazy that really is.

In baseball, right now, how many teams would you say have a legit chance to win a World Series? Well, we might all fight about that one for a while, but it is pretty safe to say that there are more than four. Hell, you can make a case for four out of the five teams in the AL Central having decent chances to win a ring.

Football? No one knows. Worst to first is almost a yearly occurrence now a days. Is it out of the realm of possibility that, with an easier schedule and a good draft day, the Miami Dolphins or the Buffalo Bills couldn’t be major contenders next year? Stranger (mush stranger) things have happened.

But in the NBA, from the beginning of the season till now, there have only been four teams (the Mavs, the Suns, the Spurs and the Pistons) who could make a move towards a big ol’ silver basketball trophy at the end of the season. That is down from five teams, in my opinion, now that the Heat have been so banged up for so long I just can’t see them mounting any kind of legit run at the finals.

No, we have three teams in the West and one team in the East. In a playoff with 16 teams, we already know that 12 of them have no chance. Parity, baby. It hasn’t exactly caught on in the league that David Stern built.

So in the immortal words of the great leader and philosopher Gandhi, "some shit’s got to change, and got to change now."

So here are the ways that I, personally, am going to fix the NBA. Here are the moves that need to be made. Call me the father of the NBA from now on. Call this idea the Bobby Brown of sports ideas; it bitch slaps all other ideas down to the ground.

(Point of order: I don’t care as much about fairness or how contracts line up as much as getting the right people on the right teams. None of this will happen but all of it could happen and much of it should happen)

* Jason Kidd needs to get on a plane to L.A. now.

This almost happened right before the trade deadline, but the Lakers evidently balked at the idea of sending 7 footer Andrew Bynum in the deal for Kidd. That, my friends, is what those in the scientific community refer to as a fucking retarded decision.

Bynum looks like he is gonna be a good player in this league, possibly an Eddie Curry type of player with a little more of a rebounding edge. But that is his CEILING!! Let me repeat this; the best Bynum could ever hope to be would be a little better version of an overrated, somewhat soft 7 footer. That makes him valuable, but not that valuable. Plus, as much as Kwame Brown will always be remembered as the number one draft pick that went bust faster than a new Mili Vanili rap album, he is a physical, athletic, rebounding 7 footer who may not have the potential, at this point, that Bynum does, but he gives the Lakers every bit of what they need from a big man in the middle (when he is healthy). Bynum would have been the center piece of a deal that would have sent back a few other decent players to the Nets in exchange for Kidd.

Evidently the Lakers’ brass didn’t think about the prospect of Kidd and Kobe playing together for more than 2 seconds, because had they thought 3 seconds about it they would have come to the conclusion that Kidd would have immediately made the Lakers a legit contender to the other big three in the West. Kidd might be getting a little older but he is still one of the best point guards in the game, and he remains a pass first guard, always concerned about making everyone else better around him. Kidd wouldn’t be worried about Kobe scoring his 40 points. What he would be worried about, what he would be capable of is what Kobe has been completely incapable of; making everyone else better. Is there any doubt that, with the addition of Kidd, Lamar Odom would become a significantly better player? How about Luke Walton and his natural ability to pass the ball? Even Brown would be a better all around player. Kidd might average 9 points a game for the Lakers, but he would probably average 12 assists and 12 rebounds.

And he would also force the guards in the West, from Steve Nash to Tony Parker to Jason Terry, to expend an incredible amount of energy on the defensive side of the ball. Kidd to Kobe, up and down the court, would be one fun tandem to watch, and would make the Lakers a scary team again.

How about the Nets? Well, the Nets may be having a fire sale this year anyway. They may lose Vince Carter to gr$$ner pastures somewhere else, and may want to cut bait now on their big stars and nuture some younger players into the NBA, hoping they are on the verge of breaking out when the team makes their move to Brooklyn in the next few years. This year, this playoff spot, might be the pinnacle for the Nets for a long time. Why not start fresh now? Getting Bynum with a few other players for Kidd would give the Nets their future point guard in Marcus Williams, a star (potential) star player in Richard Jefferson, a versatile power forward in Josh Boone, and a very good prospect center in Bynum. It would also, with the subtraction of both Carter and Kidd, put them in a position where they could try and entice a star shooting guard/small forward (depending on where you play Jefferson) or put them in a position to struggle for a year and secure a good draft position to get a player who could help them down the road. They would also be aided by the fact that both Boone and Williams are ahead of the curve in terms of NBA maturity, Jefferson is already a proven player, and Bynum would already have three years of NBA experience in him. This one may actually happen.

*Kevin Garnett is feeling like he might be in a New York state of mind.

To quote Han Solo, "laugh it up, fuzzball."

I know Kevin "Anything you can do Isaiah Thomas I can do worse" McHale, GM of the Timberwolves, said this week that he would not trade KG, but that is easy to say on April 19 when your fan base wants to hear about a positive future, not your impending plans to trade away the only player they give a shit about.

What happens in the Timberwolves have another brutal draft? What happens if, by the end of June, KG is looking around realizing that "his" team has not improved at all. Here is my solemn plea to KG; PLEASE, PLEASE demand a trade!!!!! He is too good to be swallowed up by the Mchale machine of ineptitude for the rest of his career. This is not some aged old man who is just going to be shown the door in a year or two anyway. KG has a lot of years left. But those years need to be capitalized on right now.

So KG demands a trade, let’s say. Where does he go? Well, I don’t know where he will go, but where he should go would be NYC baby, the Big Apple. Seriously, there are a few MAJOR problems the NBA has right now, but two of the most glaring (the futility of the Knicks and the futility of KG) can simply be a case of killing two birds with one stone. KG is an athlete New York would completely embrace. He is loyal, fan friendly, eloquent, hard working, mostly humble, passionate about winning, and would have to be castrated on the court to even consider leaving it before a game is done. He has that Derek Jeter feel to him; play every minute hard, even if you are up or down by 20. He is also supremely talented.

KG is the best power forward in the game (my apologies Mr. Nowitski). He is one of the best defender in the game. He is one of the best rebounders in the game. He is incredibly savvy in knowing where to be and when. He is tenacious on the floor. And there is virtually nothing he can’t do on the offensive side of the ball. Think of this team: Stephon Marbury (who has made amends with KG and is so desperate to prove he is a winner would never try and upstage the big man again), Jamal Crawford, Renaldo Blackman (in case you missed it, Blackman is actually really good), KG, and Eddie Curry. Is it just me or do the Knicks go from no man’s land to Eastern Conference contenders in the blink of an eye.

What could the Knicks give up? Again, probably where all this falls apart, but how about Channing Frye, David Lee, Steve Francis (who you HAVE to believe still has a little Stevie Franchise left in him) and Quentin Richardson? That’s two good young players, one veteran player in Francis who could still potentially be a star, and one good veteran whose contract will expire after the 08-09 season. The Timberwolves are still very high on Randy Foye and would not be sacrificing their draft spot this year. Probably not gonna happen, but KG in New York would be fun times.

*Rudy Gay looking to be Merry in the city if lights.

This is more about Lebron than anything else. He needs that third scorer. He needs that athletic guy he can play run and gun with. He needs an up and coming versatile player to play with.

Gay was only a rookie this year and he didn’t explode on the scene, but he showed a lot of flashes of the type of player he can be. Will he ever be as good as the hype? Probably not, but in the right spot, with the right team, he can certainly tap into that talent a little more. For the season Gay averaged 10.5 points per game and 4.5 rebounds per. But a little closer analysis shows that when Gay played 30 minutes or more he averaged 14.7 points per game and just under 7 rebounds a game. A rookie giving you 15 and 7 every night while running up and down the floor like a deer? Can you imagine someone as gifted as Lebron playing with Gay, as the two run a track meet together, ally ooping and lobbing the ball left and right?

What would Memphis want back? Probably nothing of what the Cavs can offer, but how about Sasaha Pavlovic, a guy who looks like he could be the next Peja at shooting guard, Daniel Gibson, a good rookie point guard who could be a better fit for the Grizzlies than Damon Stadomire, and the expiring contract of Donyell Marshall? Probably wouldn’t be enough, but let’s say, for the sake of argument, that Memphis lands with the second pick in the draft. They are probably taking Kevin Durant. Durant plays the same position as Gay. Wouldn’t it be better to get a Pavlovic, a steady shooting guard, to pair with Durant than hanging on to a poor man’s version of him? It could happen.

With Gay at the small forward position, Lebron could move back to being a shooting guard or even the point guard, with Larry Hughes and he taking turns running the team. Drew Gooden has established himself as a perfect rough and tumble defender and rebounding power forward and the Zeke just keeps getting it done in the middle. Hughes, Lebron and Gay could be absolutely spectacular to watch run up and down the court together.

*Paul Gasol wants to ride on Space Mountain.

Paul Gasol is going to be traded, of that I have no question. The consensus was that the Bulls would make the move to get him, sacrificing some of their youngsters to acquire the power forward. But the Bulls have yet another gift from the Knicks this year in the draft, getting a lottery pick to choose from. Their need for a big man could easily be handled right there. In fact, if we are gonna play ESPN.com’s mock lottery (which has about as much meaning as a check made out by MC Hammer), you would see that the Bulls could acquire Georgetown center Roy Hibbert, who is probably destined to be just what the Bulls want, a big man with some nice moves who will clog up the middle and offer up a big body for the bigger players in the league to have to contend with (remember, Hibbert went toe to toe with Greg Oden in the Final Four this year and more than held his own).

Where would the perfect fit be for Gasol? Sing it with me folks: M.I.C.K.E.Y!!!!!! You know what that spells? It spells lots of money in the happiest place on earth.

The Magic secured the eighth spot this year but don’t let that fool you. They ain’t THAT good. Nelson and Howard, as mentioned above, are about as good a pair of young players in the league, but neither one is at the "I can take over a game" stage of their careers, especially Howard who is a bruising, bullying menace but doesn’t have the low post skills to be able to dominate offensively. Gasol would give them that low post scoring threat. It would give them a perfect compliment to Howard, who would be allowed to roam the middle, playing Shaq-esque ball, just dunking on people and muscling them to the ground. It would give Nelson another threat to get the rock to, and it would give the Magic a big time scorer who could drastically lessen any blow the team would sustain in the case of a Grant Hill season ender or a decision by the veteran to finally hang them up. Nelson, Hill, Bogans or JJ Redick (whichever one actually steps up), Gasol, Howard. In the East, that is a beast to contend with.

What would the Grizz want? Well, how about Darko Milicic, Hedo Turkolo and a draft pick or two? That isn’t that bad of a deal. Milicic finally began to come on at the end of this year and could be on the verge of showing the type of talent that got Larry Brown’s panties in a bunch. Turkolo is the perfect kind of professional, and that would give the Grizzlies yet another draft pick, one they could either hang on to or package. If the Grizzlies get Durant and trade Gay and Gasol, they could package A LOT of what they are getting back to pair the potential superstar with one or two better players. It gives Memphis a lot of options to play with.

With Gasol, it gives him a perfect place to play his type of game. His veteran leadership would help make this young team, a team already in the playoffs, an even bigger force to deal with. Think of what people would be saying about Orlando right now if, instead of Tony Battie being at power forward, you had Gasol? It would put Orlando in the best spot they’ve been in since Penny and Shaq were huggin buddies.

*Oh Canada, it sucks playing in your land, so we are gonna move back to the states.

There are a lot of people who think the NBA did a bad job moving the Grizzlies out of Vancouver a few years ago and into Memphis. But NO ONE was showing up to the games after a while. I don’t really know what the situation is in Toronto. I don’t know if the fans are passionate about sports up there or not, and it does seem Toronto (with the Blue Jays) are a town more amenable to the games of their southern cousin. Still, it seems like the NBA is forcing itself to keep a team in another country. The exchange rate, while not devastating any longer, is still pretty rough, the culture up there is one that literally worships hockey, and basketball doesn’t seem to be a good mix.

Okay, everything I just said is only half true. The truth is I live in Connecticut. I love this little state, and this state loves sports. It is about as passionate about sports as any other place in the USA. Think of CT as the alien bar in Star Wars (the original one, not the 2 hour "fuck you" fest Lucas gave all of us in recent years). There are sports fans of all types, from all over the place, mingling around, getting in trouble. And unlike other towns/states, Connecticut is basketball crazy. My alma mater, the University of Connecticut, is one of the best college basketball programs in the country, second only to the likes of Duke, Kentucky and UNC. The state is B-Ball mad, plain and simple. They love their basketball.

But unlike with baseball and football, where the fan base is evenly and passionately divided between the New York and Boston teams (and no one is transferring loyalties, even if it is a hometown team) there is little interest/loyalty to NBA teams in the surrounding areas. So moving an NBA team into Hartford wouldn’t be moving in on the sacred grounds of the Knicks or the Celtics, they would simply be making their stake on their own.

If the NBA can move a team to the borough of Brooklyn, why would a move to CT, where an ENTIRE state, plus parts of Massachuset and Vermont/New Hampshire, be a risky proposition? If the college basketball team can sell out every game they play, even exhibition games, you’re telling me NBA games wouldn’t be selling out?

I want the NBA in CT, and Toronto seems to be the best case scenario. I want Chris Bosh in my back yard. I want TJ Ford running the CT Whalers of the NBA. That’s what I want, and I don’t give a shit who has to suffer to make it happen. Toronto, you had your chance. Go spank yourself into oblivion over hockey. Give us back our NBA.

*Bill Russel Jr. Goes to Boston.

Let’s get something out of the way first. There is no way Greg Oden is 18 or 19 years old. No way. I’m sorry but I’ve always looked a little older for my age, something that came in handy in my early years in college when I was the appointed "dupe the packie cashier" man. But I am 29 year’s old now and Oden looks older than me. By A LOT. He doesn’t just have a full beard, it seems like he is fighting off some greys in there as well. He’s 7 feet tall and already filled out like a man. He is a basketball Frankenstein. It looks like he has been built from the parts of basketball players for the 1960's. I’m not even sure Oden isn’t a cyborg.

But whatever he is, he is a franchise center.

The Sports Guy Bill Simmons posted a youtube.com clip this week on ESPN.com showing what appears to be some interesting proof that the long talked about 1985 NBA Draft Conspiracy, to get the Knicks the first pick, has some merit. It is an interesting theory and an interesting video (why would anyone completely doubt that the NBA would do something like that? Getting the best college player on one of the most important NBA franchises in history? Where is the downside?). And the NBA needs to do something exactly like it this year.

The Celtics NEED Oden. They need him even more than Durant. Why? Because Oden is going to be a monster on the inside, making the C’s an instant playoff contender and a contender for a title for years to come. Look at the immediate impact players like Duncan and Shaq had. It wasn’t 7 or 8 years down the line, they were playing for titles almost right off the bat. Oden is already a defensive force. He is a monster. He can rebound, he can block shots, he is athletic, and his offensive game, hampered by inexperience and a broken right hand, will only improve. He has 25-20 written all over him.

What would that give the Celtics? It would give them a reason to keep Paul Pierce. It would give them the option of keeping Al Jefferson or moving him for some extra help. It would make all their younger players better. It would make the Celtics matter again.

How about this? How about the Celtics get Greg Oden. How about they keep Al Jefferson. They already have Paul Pierce. That would give them a starting five of Delonte West at point, Wally Szcerbiak at shooting guard, Paul Pierce at small forward, Al Jefferson at power forward and Greg Oden at center. That gives you THREE potential all stars at the small forward, power forward and center positions, with very good complimentary players at point and shooting guard. I already LOVE that team. I would already pay big bucks to see that team. I would already be printing Celtics playoff tickets.

David Stern needs to get on the ball, literally, here and make sure that this happens. If the Grizzlies and the Bobcats end up with the first and second picks in the draft, something is horribly, terribly wrong here. Screw being fair. How about having a viable league again. What is better for the league, Greg Oden blocking 7 shots a game for Memphis or Greg Oden having his number retired in Boston in 22 years? Come on people, this is just common sense.

A couple of other things that need to happen: Seattle needs to trade off Ray Allen and Rashad Lewis. Both of those guys are in KG territory; extremely gifted yet hopelessly swallowed up by a team going no where. If they move (which it appears they will) they better make a commitment to either build around those guys, and fast, or give them a chance to go somewhere better.

Michael Jordan needs to find a way to improve the Bobcats. Okafor and Raymond Felton are big time young players. Sean May is a nice looking player. Gerald Wallace is a God send but may very well be on his way out. They NEED some parts, and they have the opportunities. They have the type of cap room one only dreams of, they have another HIGH pick in a deep, deep draft, and they have made a commitment to get better for the fans. Okafor and Felton are exactly what you want to start a team, a talented big man and a talented point guard. Now, if they can find a way to get rid of The Stach (Adam Morrison) all would be good.

The 76ers are on the verge of being good again. You can just feel it. Andre Igudolo broke out of the shadow of A.I, and hasn’t looked back. Andre Miller is a solid point guard with a good nose for playing well in the big game. And Sam Dalembert isn’t flashy but he is a very serviceable big man. The 76ers need to draft well this summer, they need to explore the free agent market, and they need to restore some of the trust they have lost with their fans. Just like the Knicks and the Celtics, the league is better with a good team in Philly.

Not another "sports seems so meaningless" column, PLEASE!!!!!!!!

I went to the University of Connecticut. It was, as it is for so many other students, one of the happiest, if not the happiest time of my life. I can't even begin to tell you how much those years meant to me, and while I perhaps didn't focus on my studies the way scholars of yester year would have liked, I gained life experiences that are second to none.

So when something like the tragedy at Virginia Tech happens, it touches home. I'm further away from my college days than I like to think about, but not so many years that I can't relate to what is happening in Virginia right now. Colleges are like communities. You might not know everyone walking in and out of class, but there is an unspoken bond there. It a big greek family with a bunch of uncles you never met and hot cousins you never knew you had.

The greatest single thrill of my life was being on Campus, at Storrs, when Uconn won the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship Game over Duke in 1999. The excitement was overwhelming. Our team, OUR SCHOOL had won the championship. The players in that game were the same ones we had classes with, went to parties with, saw walking around, and the sense of togetherness was amazing. I ran out into the campus, my entire dorm in tow, out into the cold night where the entire school had come alive, buzzing as if it were one living organism. We hugged, we cried, we drank a shit load together, and it was all for us. WE, the students, had been a part of something special.

Why do I bring this up? For two reasons; one, as wonderful a moment as the '99 Championship was, as much joy as we all felt together, the sense of communal despair that is hanging over Va. Tech today must be indescribable. If a moment of triumph can bring an entire campus together in celebration like it did for my college, a tragedy like this must bring a campus even closer together in grief. I can only imagine what must be happening there right now.

But my second reason for bringing this up is to ask, beg, PLEAD with everyone to stop with the "sports seems so insignificant right now" columns. ESPN.com Jemele Hill was the first to jump on that band wagon today. I like Hill. She is a pretty good writer, takes on some interesting issues in her column, and while her "Kobe Bryant is better than Michael Jordan" piece recently smacked of someone trying desperately to suck readers in with a ridiculous premise, she has held her own so far. But today we got from Hill the patented "how could we even think about sports at a time like this."

Now, Hill didn't focus solely on that point. She strayed into even more murky waters reminding us all that we live in a dangerous society and that we all need to come together and hold hands in order to rectify the situation. The point of the article was that, whether it be sports or the Imus scandal or anything else, we don't take the right things serious in this country.

There are three things that drive me crazy about columns like this. One, the self importance that oozes from them. No one needs to know what some columnist, hundreds of miles away, is thinking or feeling unless they are actually one of the students or the families in Virginia right now. We aren't there. We aren't going through this, and giving a "boy, am I really upset about this" dissertation really intimates that one takes themselves way too seriously, especially when people offer the standard "we need to address violence in our society" routine. Note to everyone; there are unfortunately always going to be nut jobs in this world. I wish that wasn't the case. I wish we could all, every day, go to school or work or get on a bus and not have to worry about someone with a bomb, a gun or a knife trying to kill us to silence the demons in their own head. It's never going to happen. We live in a free society, one that allows us to live an open, many times unfettered life style where today, if I have the means and the motivation I can jump in my car and head across as many states as I wish taking in the majesty of the landscape. That also means that days like today are going to happen. You mourn, you grieve, you take what you can away from the situation, you search your soul, and you move on. Drilling us with your idea of what we should all be thinking and feeling right now is just arrogance. It is the written equivalent of speaking just to hear one's own voice.

Second thing I hate about columns like these is how insulting they are to the readers. Of COURSE we get that stupid, petty differences about sports and the like mean nothing at this point. No one is going to be sitting with the family member of a loved one murdered in such a horrific way and say "hey, I know you just lost your only son, but I watched the Yankees blow a two run lead in the ninth last night with Mariano on the mound, so, you know, I am not having the best day either."

No one is that moronic. NO ONE!!!!! So why do we need columns reminding us? It is like columnists wake up and go "hey, if I don't say something, people might sit down tonight and think the NHL Playoffs are as important as other things happening in the world. I better jump on my lap top and let them know that isn't acceptable. Without me, they might not feel as shitty about this tragedy as they should." PLEASE, get the fuck over yourselves. The ramifications of something like this don't need to be explained to anyone. If they do, the person needing such a "lesson" wouldn't be the kind ready to learn anyway. Columnists should be there to tell us or talk to us about things we don't know or might not be thinking about. There is no more worthless column in the world to write than "you should feel horrible about a tragedy I already know you feel horrible about."

The final thing that annoys me is that the premise of these columns are just wrong. Sports, other little distractions, serve an undeniably important role in all of this. Can you imagine what the first Va. Tech football game is going to be like? Can you imagine how emotional that is going to be? Can you imagine how much those players are going to want to win that game, not for the standings or the BCS points, but for the people in those stands, the ones who will be seeing the faces of so many who had frequented such games in the past flash before their eyes?

Sports is about community. It isn't just competition, it is a chance for members of that community to come out and celebrate together. No where is that more true than at a university. Now is not the time to forget about sports or belittle sports, now is the time to recognize how much of an important role sports can play in healing open wounds. It provides a place of comfort, it provides a sense of togetherness, a reminder that no one has gone through this alone, and for many it simply provides a needed escape. That isn't something to forget, that is something to cherish.

So how about, from here on in, we forget about columnists telling us all what should and should not be important to us? How about we decide that for ourselves. And how about we start the games as soon as we possibly can, not out of disrespect for the fallen but in remembrance of them.

Memo to Knicks' fans: Kill Yourself NOW!!!!!

I'm not a Knicks fan, so part of me sitting here, watching James Dolan on the Mike and the Mad Dog show, is giddy. The idea that this team has been, and will continue to be run by a Batman and Robin(Isiah Thomas) team of epic stupidity is downright satisfying.

But I can feel the pain of the Knicks' fan. I can't imagine rooting for a team that is helmed by such a complete asshole. A man that has NO CHANCE of actually getting this franchise out of the despair they are in.

Here are some highlights: Dolan would make the decision to give Isiah Thomas an extension knowing then what he knows now. That includes a collapse of epic proportions, losing 12 of 15 games and being blown out by teams left and right. By the way, losing to a banged up Trail Blazers' team by more than 5 points is getting blown out.

Dolan believes the team is on the right track. A team that is about to have its second consecutive 50 loss season. A team that has NO true elite talent, and no true team cohesiveness no matter how much they like hanging with each other.

He would only think about bringing in Jerry West, who has decided to leave the Grizzlies by July 1, if Isiah Thomas asked him to bring him in. That means that one of the greatest minds in the history of basketball would only get a call from Dolan if the dumbest man in basketball okay'd it. So, to put that in perspective, James Dolan believes in Thomas' IQ more than he believes in Jerry West. That is a good basketball man right there.

He believes the trade for Eddie Curry was the right move. First, Mike and Mad Dog are giving wayyyyyy too much credit to Eddie Curry. Dolan just said that Curry was the type of player you "can build a team around" and neither Mike or Chris challenged him on that statement. Curry: nice player, has a good offensive game, a big man with very refined moves. On the other side, this is a man who, if swimming in the ocean, might be studied by marine biologists looking for new whale species, is 7 foot tall and well over 300 pounds yet couldn't rebound the ball against Candice Parker, and he couldn't defend a small child in a wheel chair. This isn't some sort of franchise player, and the Knicks gave up TWO first round lottery picks. To repeat, Dolan thinks it was the right move.

The discussion has revolved around whether the Bulls, with the Knick's pick again this year, could end up with Oden or Durant. The chances of that happening are pretty far fetched (something around a 6% chance). But do the Bulls have to land one of the two best prospects in the last 25 years to count that trade as a bad one? In one corner we have Eddie Curry, a man with a heart condition, both literally and figuratively, who was jettisoned out of Chicago on the first bus available. In the other corner we have the Bulls and Tyrus Thomas, a supremely gifted athlete who has begun to come on strong at the end of the season, and a lottery pick in perhaps the deepest draft in years. So, let's say the Bulls don't land Oden or Durant, but they land Cory Brewer or Mike Conely Jr. Who would you rather be in that scenario, the team with Eddie Curry or the team with Tyrus Thomas and either Brewer or Conely? The Curry deal is perhaps one of the worst in the history.

Dolan seems like an amicable guy, a guy who wants to win but is just too stupid, in the sports world, to make it happen. He also seems to have an afinity for Thomas, one that makes utterly no sense. But for Knicks fan's who were hoping to hear some "Isiah is on thin ice" language from Dolan, it aint comin and it didn't today.

But From the Free Seats has obtained some information that may shed light on why Dolan, an obviously shrewd business man (who is evidently running MSG into the ground) has made a commitment to Isiah Thomas and the current Knicks' strategy for success. Documents obtained from sources inside James Dolan's head (little men with hammers) give us an idea of some of the REAL reasons for the current plan in place.

*Isiah Thomas has an agreement to channel Red Aurbach for the entire 2007-2008 season. The deal was made before Red passed on, and Isiah gave up six number one picks in the next few years for the right to do it. So, next year, when Thomas is sucking on a cigar and making intelligent changes at halftime, we know what's really going on.

*James Dolan, as a child, received a luke warm Avian bottle of water from the concession stand, which was brought to him by a vendor who looked him in the eyes, while attending a Knicks' game. Since then, Dolan's goal in life has been to sink Madison Square Garden and destroy all the tradition associated with it. Privately, he refers to Thomas as his "ace in the hole."

*John Paxson, the GM for the Bulls, has secretly entered Isiah Thomas Anonymous, where GM's who have raped Thomas over the years in deals come to talk about the guilt of taking advantage of the dumbest man in America. Paxson, at a recent meeting, in a moment of extreme emotion, vowed to send whatever number 1 pick they get directly to the Knicks for a case of Natural Ice. Unfortunately, Thomas has vowed to send David Lee and Channing Frye to deliver the case, which will allow them to evoke the little used "defection" clause that is automatically included in the contracts of any player playing for a team controlled by Thomas.

*Eddie Curry is going to cu 6 pounds of steak and 4 pounds of bacon out of his daily breakfast, which will allow him to slim down to a svelte 360 pounds before next Fall. But, because of his new low cal breakfast diet, Curry will be overcome with hunger pains during games, leading to him eating Allen Iverson during a Knicks, Nuggets contest in February. Carmelo Anthony, in response, will immediately punch a cheerleader and run out of the arena.

*The marketing strategy of "Pitchfork's Night at the Garden" will actually spur the team on to one of the best beginnings in team history, and force Isiah Thomas to think of a new disguise for most home games, until a medieval rap joust between Jay Z and P-Diddy breaks out at a Knicks/Nets game, somehow resulting in numerous gun fights. Jason Kidd, in response, will hit is former wife and run out of the arena.

*Stephon Marbury will play inspired basketball through December as Dolan promises to have Pacman Jones "make it rain" every time he scores more than 50. After a few months out of the NFL though, Jones will come to the arena everyday with real garbage in his garbage bag, making his "make it rain" promise less enjoyable for Marbury. The two will grow closer, however, as Jones tries to pitch his idea for an NBA sponsored"Smack a Stripper Tuesdays" to be held at each venue.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly beginning to the baseball season

Everything in life can be summed up with a line or a title from a Clint Eastwood movie.

Thinking about asking that hot waitress out at your local bar, the one who seems to always be a little flirty around you and is always touching your shoulder when she takes your order?
"You have to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky. Well, do yah, punk?"

Having trouble digesting that spicy Mexican food you ate for dinner and you want to subtly let your wife know that you’re having a problem?
"Anyone who doesn’t want to get killed better head out on the back."

Deciding whether or not this is the right time to mention to your African American friends that you have long served as the president of the Don Imus Fan Club?
"Dyin aint much of a livin, boy."

See, all things can be decided by simply listening to Clint Eastwood and his sage advice.

But the most important categories of life come from the title of Clint’s best work ever. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly is not only one of the great all time westerns ever put on film, it is also usually a pretty accurate description of ones college love life. You had the good girlfriends that you broke up with because you had convinced yourself "hell, if she likes me, some Victoria’s Secret Model somewhere out there must be dying for a piece of this."

The bad are the ones that came after that particular brain storm, the ultra boring, the ultra crazy, the ultra emotional chorus line of girls that came through your life as you desperately tried to convince one or two of the good ones to break up with their current boyfriends; you know, the ones that already went through the bad crop and are pretty much ready to go Jeffrey Dahmer on anyone who even thinks about stealing her away.

And the ugly? Well, if you’re a male and you went to college, no more explanation is needed. If for some reason you are a college freshman book worm who hasn’t figured out the complexities of balancing good study habits with a Keith Richards’ approach to partying, just walk around campus on a Saturday morning and look for a guy strolling along, head down, hair disheveled, obviously wearing clothes from the night before, with a look on his face that closely resembles the look Eli Manning has every time the camera shows him trying to make sense of his eighth sky high pass that overshot his receiver by 25 yards, and you have just witnessed a man who knows all about the ugly.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly can be applied to every aspect of life; a day at work, a family outing, a meal at Denny’s, and yes, especially sports.

So, for the first installment of this segement of our blog we'll take a look at the opening of the baseball season, the first signs of spring.

The Good

The NFL has screwed up the beginning of their season with the nonsensical Thursday game and their lame opening acts that seem to scream "yeah, we’re the biggest sport in the land, but if we throw in a P-Diddy sponsored concert we might even make a few more dollars." Football should be played on Sunday and Monday, with a few Thursday games thrown in at the end of the season, like the Thanksgiving Day games. Opening the season on a random Thursday and then making everyone wait around for three more days to watch your sport is just stupid. It doesn’t make any sense. The NFL a lot of times is like that abusive husband who knows his wife will never leave him no matter what he does. Slap the fans around, and they will keep coming back.
Baseball, however, has the right approach. The Sunday night opener is a relatively new event, but it is benign overall. It feels like Monday by that point anyway. Then the season opens. Monday hits and baseball is back on the schedule.
Ever since I was a kid I have tried to finagle my way into staying home to take in the different games and different ball parks. Of all the sports, baseball seems to be able to preserve the feeling of newness each April. It is almost as if you are stumbling across the sport for the first time every year, and even though ESPN and the internet makes sure I can see every at bat of every player playing the game, and then hear it analyzed by at least 15 former players, there still seems to be something exciting about watching the Reds take on the Cubs on opening day. Baseball does a few things better than any other sport and opening day is one of them.

The Bad

Then, after opening day, baseball proves to the world, once again, that they are run by a group of people constantly on the look out for a way to screw up their own success. For instance, why would any sport start their season with so many off days built in? Why get fans on the hook and then take the game away from them every chance you get? As 1994 proved, absence does not make the heart grow fonder in the world of sports.
Baseball, unlike any other sport, has a rhythm to it. It is like a nightly soap opera. You get used to it being there every night. Some days you want to watch it, other days you don’t, but it becomes your spring and summer companion. Baseball fans get into that flow. They don’t need to continually check their On Demand calendar of events to know if a baseball game is on. They are, for the most part, always on, with the exception usually being Monday games.
But early in the season baseball makes it "rain" off days Pacman Jones style. Why? Players are as fresh as they are going to be the whole season. There are few, if any, nagging injuries. The players haven’t been beaten down by the wear and tear of the longest sports season in the world. They are pretty much at their peak.
So that’s when you give them the off days? When people are dying to watch the sport after a long winter hiatus? I understand baseball not wanting to give the most off days in the middle of September pennant races, when the excitement of the season and the national interest is at an all time high. But why do it right in the beginning of the season, when the interest is still pretty fresh? Why not spread the off days out over May and June, when the newness of the season has worn off and interest is in a little hibernation mode? That way you sustain interest in the opening weeks, keep baseball moving through the summer months when kids are out of school and keep the excitement of pennant races in tact. Makes sense, doesn’t it? That means baseball will never, ever do it. What fantasy leagues in all sports reminds us is that Corky from Life Goes On could run a professional sports league. It just isn’t that hard. If you can stand for more than five minutes without drooling and falling over, you are qualified. Unfortunately, few executives actually pass that test.

The Ugly

The off days, really, are just a little blip on the screen compared to baseball’s idiotic decision to continue to have opening days and opening weeks in the Northern parts of the country. Note to baseball; Al Gore is a moron!!!!!! If global warming is wreaking havoc on the tundra region and killing off Polar Bears with Indian summers that last 12 months now, the effect hasn’t found it’s way to the USA just yet. Please, please, PLEASE can we start, from now on, all opening days in domes or warm weather climates?
I love how baseball doesn’t think it is fair for the fans of those areas. Like somehow they are doing the fans in Boston or New York a great favor by asking them to go to games in weather that is so frigid Jim Leyland is forced to smoke 15 cartons of cigarettes a game just to keep his body temperature above freezing.
The fact that the Indian played all of three games in the first week and a half, had an entire series SNOWED out, cancelled their double header when it didn’t even snow because the grounds’ crew couldn’t thaw the field in time, and had their series with the Angels moved to a neutral site in Milwaukee (who were smart enough to put a dome on their stadium) is an utter disgrace.
And when do we not see this happen?
Want to know how you define the job description for a MLB administrator? When you are asked to do the same things over and over again expecting a different result. Who are the guys sitting in MLB headquarters every year saying "I know we had a problem opening the season in some cold weather towns last year, but this year it seems like April should be really, really warm."
What is the problem opening the season in the North later on in the month? The Mets did that and it seems like they were able to somehow develop a marketing strategy good enough to fill the ball park (it’s called being a good team). And while it wasn't 75 degrees at Shea, it was a heck of a lot better than the arctic circle conditions everyone was forced to play in two weeks ago.
And who are we concerned about, anyway? The Mets, Yankees, Red Sox, Tigers, White Sox, Cubs, and Indians are drawing no matter when you schedule their opening days. Those fan bases have proven for decades that, even when the team stinks, they’ll show up to open the house doors for another season. And if a team is going to stink, all you are losing is the possibility for one sell out. Do you think the National’s season fortunes, a season that promises to be one of utter futility on a perhaps historic level, would have been different if they started the season at home in frigid weather in D.C. rather than down in Florida? Do you think fans would be turning out in droves to watch a bad triple A team play? Again, maybe some would stay home because the Nationals, only a week into the season, had proven they couldn’t find the playoffs with Sacagewea guiding them with a flashlight and a G.P.S., but they would have stayed home starting on day two. There was never any hope for that team and the fans knew it.
So please, baseball, let’s look to move these opening games away from the frozen ice lands in the future. Can we get that done?

The world is a safer place now that we nailed that bastard to the wall (Imus part 2)

Don Imus is done. He's as dead as a looks (if that's possible). While some lamented over the past few days that Imus will rise again, like a bad monster in a laughable horror movie, Imus was on his way out anyway. No, not this year or next year, but sooner than you might think. The Rutgers women offered CBS and MSNBC a way out of a Tom Hicks'-esque $10 million per year contract.

So where do we go from here?
Do you want the truth, or more idiotic ramblings? If ramblings is your cup of tea, I would tell you this will be the beginning of an attempt to clean up a society and a culture that has tipped too far towards rampant incivility. I would tell you that the bright light of exposure and outrage would now be turned on the hip hop world, a world which first introduced the type of language Don Imus used. I would tell you it is the beginning of a major "conversation" in our culture, and that, from the ashes of a now outdated shock jock’s career, and a pretty unimportant scandal, will come true change for the better.
But that would just be a lie. Some pleasantries. Some kool-aide for the masses. An excuse to make us all feel better about spending so much time on as irrelevant a man as Don Imus and the stupid thing’s he said.
The truth is this "conversation" is over already. Don Imus is home. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson got what they wanted, a little more camera time, a little more exposure, another opportunity to look more important than they actually are, and another chance to try and convince the world that the real problem facing black America continues to be white racism. They won’t be taking on the real fight, because the real fight isn’t against some decrepit, ugly, inconsequential has been white shock jock, an easy target for almost anyone. The target of the real fight would be the rap artists and black purveyors of perversity and degradation, the same type of people they routinely try and curry favor with. They give lip service to such a fight the way Democrats give lip service to "taking on" the entertainment community. It won’t ever happen.
So while Sharpton and Jackson, two despicable men who, by their very existence, set the black communities’ causes back 10 years, go home content with their two week assignment, they may try to turn this new desire for "civility at all costs" on the public airwaves into a campaign against conservative thinkers who routinely point out their hypocrisy, they will easily side step any actual confrontation.
How about politicians? If you honestly believe that Hillary Clinton, who is taking huge campaign checks from rap artists as we speak, will be going on the hunt against such nasty, mean-spirited lyrics as the ones softly echoed by Imus this month, you’re lost. She doesn’t want THAT discussion, because that discussion will inevitably bring to light her own glaring hypocritical nature. How about Barak Obama, John Edwards or any of the other Democrats in the field? Again, I wouldn’t want to be the one in a breath holding competition for that. And don’t look for Republican’s like Rudy Giuliani and John McCain to raise the issue any time soon. While both men might have more of a leg to stand on, in regards to trying to clean up the culture (I don’t think either one will have Juvenile hosting a fund raising dinner for them any time soon) than their Democratic opponents, both still defended Don Imus. Whether that was right or wrong, loyal or delusional, it still takes them out of the "let’s clean up the airwaves" sweepstakes.
How about talkers themselves? Will the radio police their own? Of course not. If a "conversation" is coming, the topic won’t be about getting rid of horrid, degrading lyrics, the topic will be how to try and knock off conservative voices that so extremely vex the left in this country. They tried challenging conservative talk radio in the market place and they failed miserably. Air America, a station invented by Al Gore (who also invented the internet and I believe global warming to help him win an Oscar) could barely keep its doors open from day one. They have tried to get the masses angry over comments made by the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck and a host of others, only to find those radio personalities a heck of a lot tougher to bring down than the feeble Imus. Now, this "conversation" might offer those bastions of tolerance another opportunity to try and rid the world of another voice that is different than their own.
And how about the kids themselves? How about the young women at Rutgers, their overly emotional coach (as Kansas City Star Ledger columnist Jason Whitlock pointed out earlier this week Martin Luther King Jr. spoke for 8 minutes during his "I have a dream" speech, where the actual survival of his people was potentially on the line. Vivian Stringer, while seeming like a decent person, spoke for 30 minutes, trying to make the whole situation seem a lot worse than it actually was), and the rest of the student body? This controversy was brought upon the young women at Rutgers, and for the most part they handled themselves with class and dignity, so they are not required to prove themselves in any way, but if we are to believe that these young women were so emotionally scarred by what Imus said than I hope, this weekend, none of them were out with friends, bumping and grinding along to the lyrics of a 50 Cent or Akon song, songs that paint them, and all black women, as simply sexual equipment for young men to experiment with. I hope none of those songs are blaring through their Ipod as they run through Rutgers’ campus. And I hope Vivian Stringer, who tried so hard to sound like a throw back 1960's civil rights leader, isn’t just ignoring the pre or post game celebrations that feature music that promote the very thing she seemed so despondent about this past week. Because, if they are, then their dignified, yet outraged response to Imus was more of an act in this sad real life play.
So what will come of this?
Nothing. The outcome has been cast. Don Imus is home. CBS radio must now scramble to fill that spot. Do they go with an all sports program, perhaps promoting their Mike and the Mad Dog afternoon sports show to the morning slot? Do they go out and try to entice a Mancow personality to jump ship for more money, more affiliates, and a chance to dominate the New York market? Do they try and find young talent elsewhere, someone perhaps without the name but with the talent to make an impact in the radio world?
Those are the only questions left to answer. Those are the only true repercussions of this unfortunate, overblown, annoying mess. And in the end, when something real happens, when something more serious takes place, when the world intervenes to remind us that we are in a war with the greatest evil of our time, when the news interrupt their "sensational sells" programming to bring us real information about far away enemies like Syria and Iran, when some crisis breaks out in some tucked away corner of the world, a crisis we will inevitably be called upon to fix, we will all laugh at how foolish we seemed worrying about what Don Imus said about women basketball players. We’ll feel foolish and a little bit ashamed, but the one thing we wont do is learn. That, we never seem to get right.

Don't let the door hit you in your corpse-looking ass on the way out (Don Imus, part 1)

I stopped listening to Howard Stern in 1997.
I was in college on Long Island. I was driving in a friends car to go do research for a class. I had, as I always did, the station turned to Stern. He was the perfect antidote to a long morning drive.
On this day Stern took a call from a man who proclaimed to have terminal cancer. This man, who was about 55 or 56 years old, was emotional as he told Stern about the radio in general, and Stern’s show specifically, being the only joy he had during a day filled with pain and loneliness. The man seemed sincere. There wasn’t a hint of play acting in his voice. You could literally hear the bottom lip quiver at times as the man described his death sentence.
Throughout this exchange Stern treated the man as one of his many cooing fan boys, there simply to ridicule and then throw away. He asked blunt, mean spirited questions, put the man on mute as he answered to laugh with his lap dog crew of sycophants, and was so disdainfully mean to another human being dying of cancer I actually had a phsycal reaction. I have never and will never listen to him again.
For years afterwards I listened to Don Imus. While still a typical shock jock he seemed to have more of a heart, more of a soul than Stern. He talked politics, had big name guests coming in and out, and didn’t mind taking pot shots at himself every once in a while.
With Imus, my disgust built over time. More and more his show seemed to gesticulate between downright boring to vulgar bully humor. There was no style or symmetry to his comedy. It was simply playground antics. Throw enough stones at the smaller kid until he cries and a few sadistic onlookers will laugh. That was basically the idea.
So after enough fat people jokes, stupid people jokes, Christian jokes, conservative jokes, I had enough of Imus.
The fact that Imus doesn’t have a job tonight will probably not keep me tossing and turning. He has been, for a long time, an ageing imbecile consumed with his self importance (even as his ratings fell from years past) whose ego was fluffed routinely by elitist members of the media and the world of politics who viewed his show as a right of passage into the exclusive club of leftist thinkers. He routinely threatened people’s careers at his radio station, crowed that he could influence an electorate far more than he ever could, and convinced a large segment of his audience of his vast clout within society. The fact that Don Imus was taught a little something about humility seems nothing short of perfect right about now.
His supporters, the ones loyal enough to stand with him through this tempest of a storm or delusional enough to believe that he was actually as powerful as he claimed, have seemed desperate, fighting against a stiff ocean wind with an umbrella. "That’s his show, he pushes the envelope" is perhaps the most used, and most absurd excuse many have trotted out for the radio personality. Suggesting that Imus was charged with always pushing his show "to the edge", an edge he consistently crossed, grants far more credibility to what the man did for 30 years than is warranted. Many times we think of artists as pushing things to the edge for some sort of reaction. Those decisions, to take people out of their comfort zones and force them to notice artistic expression that holds no prisoners, can be very rewarding and positive for a society as a whole.
For Imus, bringing his show to the edge simply meant demeaning and degrading people on a level that was passable or escapable for him. Again, it is nothing more than bully tactics. We don’t applaud the bully for ONLY making the smaller child cry when he could have conceivably beat him up. Yet we seem to have applauded Imus these many years for continually knowing who, or what, he could denigrate in our society without incurring serious wrath. He was and is a meanspirited old man, and even at the end, as he made his PR apology campaign tour around the networks (all the while trying desperately to cling to some outdated notion of an edgy rebel persona) he just didn’t get it.
Imus vilified people for their comments and their beliefs, he did it with little to no substantive analysis, simply a dismissal of the person’s views and a vulgar comment on their appearance, intelligence, race, religion, or any other "weakness" he could see. Now, as he is crucified from every angle, Imus has been insisting he "isn’t a bad guy", asking all to look at his deeds rather than his words. But while he does that, Imus continues to deny people the same benefit of the doubt he demands be afforded him. He has continually stated, throughout this process, that he isn’t a Michael Richards or a Mel Gibson or some "right winger" conservative, at once branding men guilty of similar slips of the tongue as he "bad" people and running predictably to the tired stereotype that conservatives are racist bigots. Imus can be a nice person who made a terrible mistake, but the people he himself raked over the coals must be as evil as he proclaimed them to be, right?
That leads directly into the second most absurd defense of Imus; he’s a really nice guy. Imus has been a tremendous help to numerous charitable organizations around the country and has been as good as his word to the families of soldiers. He has given of his own time and money and has even made a little sanctuary for kids with illnesses down on his Texas Ranch. No one can accuse him of being an overly cheap individual. However, Imus is no Mother Teresa. He has not forsaken all his worldly possessions. He should be applauded for doing something with his money besides line his own pockets, especially when so many millionaires do exactly that. But how do we simply ignore his daily vitriol against whatever and whoever happened to cross his line of sight? How do we even out his charitable work with the racist, sexist, anti-Catholic, anti-Christian, anti-Jew remarks he has made over the years, some directed at individuals, some directed at entire groups of people?
Many millionaires do charitable work all the time. They give of their time, their money, and their knowledge. We applaud Imus for being one of them. But unlike many of his fellow generous upper crust brethren, Imus went from charity to malice in the time it takes a corvette to outrun a wounded turtle. He also made it a point to promote his own charity work on a continuous basis. If you don’t believe what a good guy Imus is, just go back and listen to any one of his broadcasts over the last 10 years. He was sure to let anyone know how highly he thought of himself. The fact that Imus isn’t all bad, that he was comprised of something more than simple bile and hate, should never have been a shield for him, no matter how much his friends would have liked it to have been.
So how about we all stop crying for Don Imus? How about we all stop talking about a man no one was talking about to begin with? Imus’ case is no different than a thousand others like it. Whether it be a star of the moment television actor, the lead singer of a popular band, or an influential politician, we have seen, time and again, people fall in love with their own distorted view of how important they are. One only had to listen to Imus for a morning to get a clear sense of how influential he believed himself to be. It is why he said what he wanted, did what he wanted, treated people how he wanted; because the network, in his mind, could NEVER axe the great Don Imus. He was too important. He was too powerful. He had too many friends in the entertainment, political and journalistic worlds. He was untouchable. But that was only true in his mind. When it came time to prove that hypothesis, Imus saw his supposed friends run for the hills, determining that standing with Imus was far more destructive to them than standing against him. He saw his employer add up the benefits of keeping him against the ramifications of ditching him, and the math came out easily against the ageing shock jock. And he was confronted with the truth that, while everyone circling him at MSNBC or WFAN treated him as a God, he was far from it.
On the Tuesday after the blow up, Christopher "Mad Dog" Russo, a popular sports talk show host on WFAN, and a long time friend of Imus, derided a caller who suggested that Imus would be fired. "Don Imus is not gonna be fired people, I hate to tell yah," Russo cackled, letting the indignation in his voice express his annoyance with the callers obvious ignorance of such matters. "You don’t treat Michael Jordan the same way you treat the last guy off the bench, that’s all there is to it."
That was the mindset. Imus was Jordan, an invincible and irreplaceable commodity. Instead, what Russo, his partner Mike Francesa (who hosts the show "Mike and the Mad Dog" with him), and Imus all found out was that Don the Great was Don the very expendable. It must have been a tremendous blow to all of their egos.