Michael Kay was pretty good as a color analyst for the New York Yankees on WABC radio when he was partnered with John Sterling way back when. The two made up a perfect combo of style and substance, with Kay providing (usually) unfettered analysis and never stepping on the toes of the over-the-top, bombastic, theatrical Sterling.
They were actually a pleasure to listen to and seemed to work well together. There was analysis of the game and witty banter that only comes when two people obviously like each other. That comraderie came from one simple place; Key knew his role. Sterling was the star, Kay was the second fiddle, and he seemed okay with that.
Then Kay moved to the booth, the television booth, as the on air voice of the Yankees when the YES Network started up in 2001. That was the last time Michael Kay was even remotely interesting. The TV cast has been unwatchable ever since.
There is nothing Kay does well in the booth. His voice sounds like a badly beaten Muppet character trying desperately to get himself out of a ditch (in other words, not pleasant to the ear). Instead of relying on his knowledgeable color analysts, men who have, between them, seen every possible scenario in baseball play out before their very eyes, to give you inside information on what a player might be thinking, Kay always offers his ill informed opinion, a lot of times completely contradicted by his booth mate, and will enter into long winded arguments to try and prove his faulty theory. He rarely gives a "clean" call to a play, he misjudges fly balls at an unbelievable rate (last week, in ONE GAME against Cleveland, he described four separate fly balls as being hit DEEP to left field, using his "this has a chance to get out of here" voice, and not ONE of them got to the warning track. The drunk blind guy in the second row of the bleachers could do a better job than that), he has the most annoying home run call ever (his "SEE YA" shtick which only exists because he wanted to do something he thought would rival his old buddy Sterling's "It is high, it is far, it is GONE" call), and he never seems to be able to keep the game moving at a good clip.
He also writes a column for the YESNETWORK.com website a few times a month, a column that is suppose to answer questions about the team. Here is his last entry. I won't bore you with all the details but here is a quick sample (you can read the rest if you are trapped under a pile of rocks, with Internet access, and need a quick way to end your life):
Dear Michael,If A-Rod leaves after a monster season, how do you think Brian Cashman will go about replacing a power right-handed bat with 40-50 homers? Thanks, Eric Schienkopf — Arlington, Va.
Dear Eric, I truly don't know. There is no one person out there that can duplicate those numbers while playing third base.
Amazing insight here from a man who is suppose to have intimate knowledge of the team. I understand he works for YES but at what point does your ass get so sore from bending over you naturally put the pants back on and walk away? He can't even offer ONE possibility to our friend Eric? Why even answer this question? Just to say "ahhhhhhh, donknow"?
Dear Michael,What are the chances the Yankees will get Bernie Williams back this year? It just doesn't seem like the Yankees with him. Len — Berkeley Heights, N.J.
Dear Len,I don't think the chances are good. I wouldn't say there is no chance but I would say the odds are against it.
Two things on this one: first, Len from Jersey obviously meant to say that it doesn't seem like the Yankees "without" Bernie Williams, not with him. That would make very little sense. So Kay, who has a tendency for cutting callers off on his shit stain of a show for not pronouncing players' names correctly, let an obvious error like that pass. Len, sending out a quick email, can't be expected to spell check his two line question as accurately as one would like but can a former newspaper man maybe do it? Second thing is, again, the insight we get from the land of Kay here. He answered the question, right? So you would think he had a little something to say about the issue. Anyone can say "I don't think so" and offer little more than that. Did he think Len was waiting for his response on the ledge of a 30 story building somewhere, so he needed to send a quick response just keep his friend from jumping? Did he have to take time away from practicing his "See YA" catch phrase in the mirror to respond, so he only had so much energy to give to the answer? Again, why is the man doing a mailbag if he doesn't want to answer questions?
My friends and I always remark that, for an organization like the Yankees, who spend money like it's counterfeit, they employ some of the worst announcers in the game today. Bob Lorenz is serviceable but the man is perhaps the most unfunny human being on the face of the earth, yet he attempts humor constantly. It actually angers me when he tries to make a joke. It is like watching someone try karaoke time and time again, always acting as if they just belted out Piano Man, and never getting how bad they are. Suzyn Waldman, on the radio, is the worst color person (I honestly have no idea if she is a man or woman. she looks like a Lord of the Rings character) in the business and such a homer she actually makes me, a YANKEE FAN, hate the team sometimes. And David Justice? I'm sorry, but I can't listen to any man and take him seriously if I know, going in, that he was married to Halle Berry and he beat her and cheated on her like she was some Manhattan club girl. He's going to tell me what Derek Jeter should be doing at bat to at bat?
But Kay is the worst. He is there all the time. If you want to watch the game, you are getting Kay, and it is enough to make you want to stick an ice pick in your head.
So who would be better at the job than Kay? Here are some suggestions
*The exhumed corpse of Harry Carry - He would have more personality right off the bat. He would let the game breath, even if he couldn't. He could lead the crowd in a touching rendition of "Take me out to the cemetery" every seventh inning. And even with hollowed out holes for eyes, Carry would be able to judge fly balls better.
*Chris "Mad Dog" Russo - The infamous Yankee hater, he would be on a constant roller coaster, happy when the Yanks were losing, distraught when they are winning. The only thing better than listening to a Yankee win is listening to how Russo reacts to that win, like he did yesterday with the A-Rod home run. There could be contests held in the Stadium to see who got the chance to punch Russo in the face before the seventh inning of each game (actually, you could probably hold a similar contest for Kay), and he would be acutely aware of how bad he is and let the listeners know that as well. Did I mention he would be able to judge whether a weak pop up was going to be a home run or not?
*George Steinbrenner - He couldn't be any more of a homer, would probably give you more honest opinions, even in regards to the payroll, and could hire and fire people on the air as a sort of game. Plus, you KNOW Big Stein is just like his character in Seinfeld, and how fun would it be to hear a random rant about how good the calzone's are around the street in the middle of a blow out game? He could also have a "fifth inning verbal raping of Brian Cashman" routine during every home game and he could prank call Peter Angelos while on the air from time to time. And even though he may be getting to the point where he might not know what a ball is or why his pant leg is suddenly all wet, he would still know the difference between a lazy fly to right and a Mickey Mantle-esque homer.
*Don Imus - First, it would give us an opportunity to play the "who is alive and who is a corpse" picture game at the Stadium with Imus and Bob Shepard. Seriously, is there a scarier looking guy in the world than Imus? Would ANYTHING he said about your looks actually bother you? But he would be fun to listen to for a game or two. Third inning, he makes an insensitive comment about Derek Jeter's bi-racial parents, apologizes in the fourth inning, invites Al Sharpton in during the fifth inning so he can massage the Reverend's scrotum to make nice, and then, by the sixth inning, is questioning whether A-Rod is an illegal alien or not. It might last for only one game, but it would be infinitely more enjoyable than listening to Kay. And he could judge a fly ball better.
*Harold Reynolds - HR needs to get back into the game, and what better way than to take over the reigns as the Yankees' main man. Reynolds could direct the camera men on the field to find him "some hotties" to "hug" during the game, taking every opportunity to show them on TV with Reynolds giving a play by play of how he would like to get to know them. Every eighth inning Reynolds could run over to whoever was there covering the game for ESPN and flash them, just to feel normal again. And, even with his pants down, Reynolds would be able to judge a fly ball better than Kay
Then Kay moved to the booth, the television booth, as the on air voice of the Yankees when the YES Network started up in 2001. That was the last time Michael Kay was even remotely interesting. The TV cast has been unwatchable ever since.
There is nothing Kay does well in the booth. His voice sounds like a badly beaten Muppet character trying desperately to get himself out of a ditch (in other words, not pleasant to the ear). Instead of relying on his knowledgeable color analysts, men who have, between them, seen every possible scenario in baseball play out before their very eyes, to give you inside information on what a player might be thinking, Kay always offers his ill informed opinion, a lot of times completely contradicted by his booth mate, and will enter into long winded arguments to try and prove his faulty theory. He rarely gives a "clean" call to a play, he misjudges fly balls at an unbelievable rate (last week, in ONE GAME against Cleveland, he described four separate fly balls as being hit DEEP to left field, using his "this has a chance to get out of here" voice, and not ONE of them got to the warning track. The drunk blind guy in the second row of the bleachers could do a better job than that), he has the most annoying home run call ever (his "SEE YA" shtick which only exists because he wanted to do something he thought would rival his old buddy Sterling's "It is high, it is far, it is GONE" call), and he never seems to be able to keep the game moving at a good clip.
He also writes a column for the YESNETWORK.com website a few times a month, a column that is suppose to answer questions about the team. Here is his last entry. I won't bore you with all the details but here is a quick sample (you can read the rest if you are trapped under a pile of rocks, with Internet access, and need a quick way to end your life):
Dear Michael,If A-Rod leaves after a monster season, how do you think Brian Cashman will go about replacing a power right-handed bat with 40-50 homers? Thanks, Eric Schienkopf — Arlington, Va.
Dear Eric, I truly don't know. There is no one person out there that can duplicate those numbers while playing third base.
Amazing insight here from a man who is suppose to have intimate knowledge of the team. I understand he works for YES but at what point does your ass get so sore from bending over you naturally put the pants back on and walk away? He can't even offer ONE possibility to our friend Eric? Why even answer this question? Just to say "ahhhhhhh, donknow"?
Dear Michael,What are the chances the Yankees will get Bernie Williams back this year? It just doesn't seem like the Yankees with him. Len — Berkeley Heights, N.J.
Dear Len,I don't think the chances are good. I wouldn't say there is no chance but I would say the odds are against it.
Two things on this one: first, Len from Jersey obviously meant to say that it doesn't seem like the Yankees "without" Bernie Williams, not with him. That would make very little sense. So Kay, who has a tendency for cutting callers off on his shit stain of a show for not pronouncing players' names correctly, let an obvious error like that pass. Len, sending out a quick email, can't be expected to spell check his two line question as accurately as one would like but can a former newspaper man maybe do it? Second thing is, again, the insight we get from the land of Kay here. He answered the question, right? So you would think he had a little something to say about the issue. Anyone can say "I don't think so" and offer little more than that. Did he think Len was waiting for his response on the ledge of a 30 story building somewhere, so he needed to send a quick response just keep his friend from jumping? Did he have to take time away from practicing his "See YA" catch phrase in the mirror to respond, so he only had so much energy to give to the answer? Again, why is the man doing a mailbag if he doesn't want to answer questions?
My friends and I always remark that, for an organization like the Yankees, who spend money like it's counterfeit, they employ some of the worst announcers in the game today. Bob Lorenz is serviceable but the man is perhaps the most unfunny human being on the face of the earth, yet he attempts humor constantly. It actually angers me when he tries to make a joke. It is like watching someone try karaoke time and time again, always acting as if they just belted out Piano Man, and never getting how bad they are. Suzyn Waldman, on the radio, is the worst color person (I honestly have no idea if she is a man or woman. she looks like a Lord of the Rings character) in the business and such a homer she actually makes me, a YANKEE FAN, hate the team sometimes. And David Justice? I'm sorry, but I can't listen to any man and take him seriously if I know, going in, that he was married to Halle Berry and he beat her and cheated on her like she was some Manhattan club girl. He's going to tell me what Derek Jeter should be doing at bat to at bat?
But Kay is the worst. He is there all the time. If you want to watch the game, you are getting Kay, and it is enough to make you want to stick an ice pick in your head.
So who would be better at the job than Kay? Here are some suggestions
*The exhumed corpse of Harry Carry - He would have more personality right off the bat. He would let the game breath, even if he couldn't. He could lead the crowd in a touching rendition of "Take me out to the cemetery" every seventh inning. And even with hollowed out holes for eyes, Carry would be able to judge fly balls better.
*Chris "Mad Dog" Russo - The infamous Yankee hater, he would be on a constant roller coaster, happy when the Yanks were losing, distraught when they are winning. The only thing better than listening to a Yankee win is listening to how Russo reacts to that win, like he did yesterday with the A-Rod home run. There could be contests held in the Stadium to see who got the chance to punch Russo in the face before the seventh inning of each game (actually, you could probably hold a similar contest for Kay), and he would be acutely aware of how bad he is and let the listeners know that as well. Did I mention he would be able to judge whether a weak pop up was going to be a home run or not?
*George Steinbrenner - He couldn't be any more of a homer, would probably give you more honest opinions, even in regards to the payroll, and could hire and fire people on the air as a sort of game. Plus, you KNOW Big Stein is just like his character in Seinfeld, and how fun would it be to hear a random rant about how good the calzone's are around the street in the middle of a blow out game? He could also have a "fifth inning verbal raping of Brian Cashman" routine during every home game and he could prank call Peter Angelos while on the air from time to time. And even though he may be getting to the point where he might not know what a ball is or why his pant leg is suddenly all wet, he would still know the difference between a lazy fly to right and a Mickey Mantle-esque homer.
*Don Imus - First, it would give us an opportunity to play the "who is alive and who is a corpse" picture game at the Stadium with Imus and Bob Shepard. Seriously, is there a scarier looking guy in the world than Imus? Would ANYTHING he said about your looks actually bother you? But he would be fun to listen to for a game or two. Third inning, he makes an insensitive comment about Derek Jeter's bi-racial parents, apologizes in the fourth inning, invites Al Sharpton in during the fifth inning so he can massage the Reverend's scrotum to make nice, and then, by the sixth inning, is questioning whether A-Rod is an illegal alien or not. It might last for only one game, but it would be infinitely more enjoyable than listening to Kay. And he could judge a fly ball better.
*Harold Reynolds - HR needs to get back into the game, and what better way than to take over the reigns as the Yankees' main man. Reynolds could direct the camera men on the field to find him "some hotties" to "hug" during the game, taking every opportunity to show them on TV with Reynolds giving a play by play of how he would like to get to know them. Every eighth inning Reynolds could run over to whoever was there covering the game for ESPN and flash them, just to feel normal again. And, even with his pants down, Reynolds would be able to judge a fly ball better than Kay
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